Peter Jackson set out to re-make what was his favorite movie as a child...the movie that made him want to make movies. Fresh off of the overwhelming success of his blockbuster film adaptation of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, many of us expected this next film of his to blow us away. Unfortunately for Peter and for anyone unlucky enough to be tricked into watching his King Kong, there is a big difference between an epic fantasy story read and loved by millions and a special effects movie with basically no story. For in the end, it isn't the special effects that matter at all; rather it is the story. And the story is what is missing here.

Not only is there no story (or a very weak one if I had to admit there was one), but the movie just drags on and on. It was easy for Peter Jackson to make movies over three hours in length when he made The Lord of the Rings because he was desperately trying to cram in as much from the books as he could. With King Kong, you get the feeling that he was trying to stretch it out, and it makes for a long and boring sit. I remember asking my friend, John, as we were almost an hour into this thing, "Hey, isn't there supposed to be a giant ape or something?" That's right. You won't even see King Kong for the first hour because we have to go through a frivoulous side-story involving a sleazy director (Jack Black) conning everyone involved into helping him to shoot a movie on..."Skull Island." The characters make a big deal on screen about the name of the island, as if anyone in real life would care. Basically, Jackson is trying to build up the anticipation of meeting the giant gorilla, but he does it by boring us to death for an hour so that when we finally do see the hairy behemoth, we wake up from our stupors and start watching some computer animated special effects.

Now I'm not going to knock the special effects. The makers of this movie did an excellent job in making the people, boats, cars, and buildings look really small next to Mr. Kong. However, none of it is very believable, and the blame there is on the story, not the effects. Are any of us going to believe that humans would ever survive running through a stampede of brontosaurae? Or that King Kong's arm would not be ripped to shreds by the bite of a Tyrannasaurus Rex? Or that a ship that crashes into the rocky coast of an island would be able to sail away? Or that a fancy New York theater would have doors big enough to get King Kong onto the stage? Or that Adrien Brody's character, Jack Driscoll, would survive a car wreck into King Kong's fist when he wasn't even wearing a seatbelt? However, the most unbelievable special effect sequences involve King Kong's treatment of Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts, who looks exactly like Nicole Kidman, by the way). First of all, her arms are tied to a wooden scaffold as she is sacrificed to the monster. When King Kong grabs her body like a banana and pulls her free, the ropes holding her arms snap right off. Come on! Her arms would be pulled right out of their sockets. Then, as he carries her back through the jungle, he moves her around so fast that it is hard to keep track of her. Back at his cave, he wildly pumps his fist, which contains Miss Darrow, up and down so rapidly that I was left thinking to myself a few things. First of all, as my friend, Brett, put it, can you say "Shaken Baby Syndrome?" She looked like a bobble-head doll and he was shaking her like a can of spray paint. Her neck would have had to have snapped, killing her instantly. Secondly, the G-forces alone would have caused her to black out well before her eventual death. Thus, when she drops from his hand, still alive, conscious, unbruised, unbroken, and beautiful, it is an absolute miracle!

However, with that said, I will admit that a few of the special effects scenes were neat to watch. One of my favorites was the battle between King Kong and the three Tyrannasaurus Rexes. A lot of people have said that this was too much and should have been cut from the movie. However, I actually disagree. This is the ONLY piece of the movie that makes any sense to the story, however weak it may be. This is where King Kong displays his power. This is also where King Kong displays his protection and love for Ann Darrow. And this is where Ann, and the audience with her, realizes that her only chance for survival is to stay with him. My second favorite scene involved King Kong unleashing his fury in the Broadway theater. After breaking the chains that bound him, he rushes forth towards the audience as giant swipes of his arm send seats and people flying through the air and out of his way. This really didn't add anything whatsoever to the story but it was cool as hell to see such ferocity and destruction.

This movie is three hours and seven minutes long. For the first three hours it is long, unrealistic, and lacking in plot. However, it is still somewhat respectable. But that all goes out the window at the end with the movie's final quote. It is Jack Black as Carl Denham, the sleazy director who cares nothing about himself and his own fame and glory, who responds to someone who claimed that the airplanes had killed King Kong. He says, "No. It wasn't the airplanes. 'Twas beauty that killed the beast." At this point, I burst out laughing at the absurdity of this line. That's the only line that I'll remember from this movie and it might go down in history as the absolute corniest movie line of all time. Peter Jackson, what were you thinking? Did you really want us to laugh at your movie like this? How embarassing for you.

In conclusion, this movie sucks. I will never watch it again. I would advise you to do the same. The only circumstances under which I would condone watching this film would be on DVD or VHS where you can skip through everything and watch the two cool special effects sequences and spend about 10 to 15 minutes total instead of sitting through the 3 hours and 7 minutes of torture.

King Kong is King Wrong!