There are, perhaps, many reasons why one might expect for me to see Star Trek. I'll give you three. First and foremost, I am a nerd. I build my own computers, host my own website on my own webserver, and I'm multi-lingual (Java, C, C++, Basic, ABAP, PL/SQL, Perl, PHP, Pascal, and many more). Secondly, I love science fiction. Some of my favorite movies from this genre include, Terminator, Tron, Total Recall, The Last Starfighter, ET, "I, Robot", and, most importantly, Star Wars (all six!). And last but not least, I can make the Vulcan salute with both hands.

In order to even begin to understand my apathy towards this film, we must first explore my childhood. I was born into your typical middle-class family in the midwest. As a baby I would often soil myself for no reason. Clearly, I did not respect my diapers. Several years later, I saw such exciting movies as Superman and Star Wars. These movies changed my life, and my underwear. I now had Underoos! If you would have seen me back then, you would have seen a mild-mannered kid. However, underneath my Osh-Kosh overalls was my super-hero outfit (Superman, Spiderman, or even Luke Skywalker!). I would often watch my favorite movies, such as Star Wars, over and over on our Beta-Max machine, pressing the fast forward button on the remote control (which had a long 20-foot cable back to the main unit) right through the boring parts where Obi-Wan was yakking on and on about the Force to the parts where laser blasts were flying, lightsabers were dueling, and the Death Star was blowing up.

Sadly, when given the chance to watch Star Trek, I kept waiting for the action to begin. Instead I saw people using a scanner or something on a lifeless planet. I heard lots of droning about logic and the Prime Directive. I asked where the the lightsabers were. "This is Star Trek," I was told. "There are no lightsabers." "This is boring," I concluded, and left the room.

Over the years since, I have missed out on many a joke wherein the punch-line involved a quote from "The Wrath of Khan." I have not attended a single "Trekkie" convention. I have never dressed as Jean-Luc Picard for Halloween. The list goes on and on. And now I can add one more. I have never seen the 2009 movie Star Trek which is opening this weekend at the box office, even though Sylar (from Heroes) is the new Spock. All the better, I say, because I can guarantee you that Spock is much more boring than Sylar. You won't see Spock cutting anyone's head open with his finger.

Thus, I conclude that I've missed out on nothing. But how, you might ask, could I come up with a rating for this movie? I gave this film 2 stars (out of 5). The 2 stars represent the 2 hours in my life that I have not wasted by watching a crappy movie with no lightsabers.

Now you may be asking yourself, "Why did I just read this idiotic movie review when this guy has never even seen the movie?" Well, I don't know. Why did you?

This review is highly illogical.